Alvin felt his humanity leave his fleshly vessel by the poolside as the overcast sky gave way to blue skies. The fingers on his increasingly calloused hands, once pristine, became stubbly and unable to grasp onto the wine glass he, a moment ago, had held with ease. His voice became gruff, the panicked screams of a human slowly morphing into the barks of a canine, and fur sprouting all over his body. Despite everything, his mind had not regressed into that of a dog's, which made him painfully aware of the process of fate stripping him of his humanity.
As he came to his senses and climbed out of his business suit, the young man sitting across from him at the poolside table screamed out, "MOM! PRINCE JUST TURNED INTO A DOG!" Prince, of course, was the name his love interest, a pimple-faced blonde who always wore green clothing, gave him because it was on a dog collar that was put on him by the Elder Gods.
Alvin, having given up trying to reclaim his humanity, walked around the pool and said in a radically different voice, one reminiscent of a character from a Nickelodeon sitcom, "Big deal! I'm Alvin Schwang!"
lyrics
Flea bitten face in the midst of a meeting
Muzzle on the edge of the Merlot rim
As the man gives praise to the ones he loved
And spurs the lives of the ones he fucked
Wagging the limb that if cut sends him askew
Four-legged freak the world's his room with a view
He sees green because his mind's so horny
Thinks of the old days all the while in his dreams
No girls, no fun, man, no girls, no fun
No girls anywhere in the whole wide world
Oh my God I'm a pent-up sucker
A real bad mother, and another and another
The scenery peridot all she touched
The boutique man, he wasn't enough
The good boy engineers his fate
The good boy gets her out on a date
Long ago, he had a name
The czar was tame, the signal flange
October came and chapped his hands
Stuck between the beast and the man
No girls, no fun, man, no girls, no fun (he writes the tune and we pay his dues)
No girls anywhere in the whole wide world (he seems like a good ol’ boy, he seems like a good ol’ boy)
Oh my God I'm a pent-up sucker (gaining human form upon requited love)
A real bad mother, and another and another (but it just wasn’t enough, but it just wasn’t enough)
Big deal, I'm Alvin Schwang
'Tis real, I'm Alvin Flang
The flame, the game, so tame
Can you think of anything better, Shane?
Foaming tooth upon contact with chlorine
The key lime baby coming Chappaquiddick
Paddle to the center of the scene
Announce to all your name means Alvin Prick
Cause yer a dick
You make me sick
She'll flip
No girls, no fun, man, no girls, no fun (he writes the tune and we pay his dues)
No girls anywhere in the whole world window (he seems like a good ol’ boy, he seems like a good ol’ boy)
Oh my God I'm a pent-up sucker (gaining human form upon requited love)
A real bad mother, and another and another (but it just wasn’t enough, but it just wasn’t enough)
And another and another and another and (I wish this was just a cartoon so I could be like)
And another and another and another and (this is real as fuck, I like the way they don’t give up)
And another and another and another and (tweet about it – “more stories like this, so important”)
And another and another and another and (but it really happened, OH GOD IT REALLY HAPPENED)
credits
from Shane Shan Sean,
released August 27, 2021
Music and lyrics by Shane Smith
Guitar effects courtesy of an AI replica of a Klon Centaur
Quotations from "Break Up Your Band" by Matt Sweeney and Clay Tarver (Chavez) and "Cartoon Network" by Devi McAllister and Ada Rook (Black Dresses).
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